#5 "T.R.easure in "T.R.agedy"

DISCLAIMER: The events, characters depicted in this article are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead(or somewhere in between) is purely coincidental. 
-"I am going Kanu. Take care of yourself. Get your frame repaired. Wake up on time. I will miss being your alarm clock and your stabilizer."
-"Hey HEY Hey, don't do this. Is it really necessary? No. Nai..(gets interrupted)."
-"Just promise me one thing. Do not stop in life. Atleast do this for me." (blocked).
In my school life, I read this short story called "The Postmaster." It had one highly impactful line: "In life, there will be many separations, many deaths. What point was there in looking back? Who belonged to whom in this world?"
  Easier read than done, what followed the separation above was nothing short of a tragic time for Kanu. It was a tragedy. In fact, let us put the first two letters in CAPS to give an idea of its magnitude. T.R.agedy. The year was nearing its end and Kanu never thought that he would have such a disastrous end to the year. You see, there is always one go-to friend, who is always there for you and keeps those secrets of yours which you are hesitant to share even with your family. For instance, suppose you had a bad day. Some of us aren't comfortable with opening it up with our parents, thinking they will feel stressed on getting to know about your bad mood. So you share all of that with your "go-to-friend." For Kanu, that go-to friend was gone. A blanket of loneliness surrounded him. Of course he had 2-3 great friends or rather brothers who were occasional shareholders of his tragedy. But some feelings can never be expressed in words and hence, can never be shared. His nights were unbearable. His feet were cold most of the times and often he would wake up from a happy dream at around 2-3 AM, only to realize the harsh reality that whatever happy moments he saw in the dream do not exist anymore. The very next morning, the marks of tears were evident on his cheeks.
    But life had to go on, right? So Kanu decided to focus on what lied ahead of him. An all-important academic project, an exam for higher studies, a contest, etc. He did prepare for them and performed satisfactorily in every field. Seeing his usual smile, it was easy to overlook the storm that baffled inside his mind. The code of his life had a line added to it:
    void Heart() throwsHappinessException
Woah woah! This line looks strange. Let me explain. His heart now had a big void. He did achieve things post the T.R.agedy, but still his sense of happiness was incomplete, as the person he often attributed his success to, was missing. The preparation for all the exams and events mentioned above wasn't a bed of roses. It's not the goodbyes that hurt. It's the flashbacks that follow. Kanu's journey was filled with thorns of flashbacks. He would start each day on a positive note, but his plans would often get ruined if he heard a sad song, seen a woman wearing an identical kurta etc. These gave rise to those flashbacks. Relapse of lost-self-esteem and grief followed. No eating. No water. Thanks to his wise friends who stopped him from entering the territory of self-destruction. He would cry it all out. Then, he would wipe off his tears and ask himself this question: "I may have lost a precious thing. But what did I learn out of it? What did I gain from this T.R.agedy?" The answer to that was simple. A T.R.easure. A Promise to Keep. "Do not stop in life. At least do this for me." 
    People often take promises in courts by putting their hands on a holy book. What he had was black clip. Holding it with moist eyes, he promised never to stop in life, the least he could do for his vanished friend. Now the question is, why am I narrating a tragic story of Kanu? This is to make you realize that: Some T.R.agedies have a T.R.easure hidden inside them. Try your best to explore that T.R.easure.  Sometimes, moving on may seem very hard. But this T.R.easure will at least start a process. A process of learning from the past. A process of building a strong foundation of achievements to come in the future.
  Even today, in an entirely new environment, Kanu still sees many pair of people together, walking hand in hand, eating in restaurants together, doing all he had done with his companion in the past. Do the clouds of flashback still surround him? Yes they do, but Kanu never lets them pour the rain of grief. Thanks to his umbrella: His Promise of never stopping in life. His T.R.easure. An unstoppable Kanu is still hopeful for a bright future. Companion or not, he is faring well in his hunt of becoming self-sufficient and his quest of moving on. The void in his heart is yet to be filled and he is trying to fix it by achieving more and more. A Companion (old or new) will just add icing to the cake. But right now, Kanu prefers enjoying this tasty cake of life without any icing on it. More power to all Kanu's out there. Use this pain as your gain. 

#4: Underestimate yourself!

Hey there. Been a long time since I wrote something. You must have heard people advising you never to underestimate yourself. But upon reading the title of this blog, some you guys must already have formed a perception that this guy is crazy. Well, if you think so: maybe you're right!  Because I urge you all to underestimate yourselves. Why? Read on to know.
   As you guys may expect, I will share a personal experience. In my school days, there used to be people(my co-students) who spoke better than me, who had a charming personality, who had exceptional fluency in English, who had outstanding coding skills and who were womanizers..:P
I felt that I was nowhere close to any of them. I had handful of friends and I didn't use to hang out even with them at times. Especially in the last 2 years of my school life, I just tried to cover myself and rather indulge myself in my P.C.M. books in lieu of conversing properly with people. I thought that it will just end up showcasing my mediocrity by not living up to their expectations. I looked at guys who were better than me in one thing or the other. I tried emulating their qualities but the result was even more weird.
   Fast forward to college, where I kept on meeting new people almost everyday and even if I didn't wish to, I had to talk to survive in an alien land. There, I started seeing muscled, heavily bearded men of my age group. I, being a lean and clean shaved individual kept myself wrapped in the cloth of mediocrity. But then, things changed a bit when I joined Toastmasters(a chapter in my college which emphasizes on developing one's public speaking, communication and leadership skills). People were kind enough to except my flaws on the stage. My club members accepted me the way I was and showered me with a lot of love and appreciation. I started achieving things at regular interval, making me hungry to explore more and achieve more. This in turn, helped me in unwrapping the cloth of mediocrity. With time, I realized, that there is no point underestimating yourself over others. Each one of us is unique. Now you guys must be thinking that I have really gone crazy. "What the...ahem ahem..this guy is contradicting the title of his article now!" Well well. I focused on the qualities which others had but I didn't. But with time, I started working on the awesome qualities which I had but others didn't! I accepted myself for who I am. But I still underestimated  myself! (You at this point be like.."alright, I am done. I will close this article right now. This lad doesn't know what he is writing!") Wait wait. I still UNDERESTIMATE MYSELF, BUT THE GUY I COMPARE MYSELF WITH IS....(DRUMROLLS)...AN IMPROVED ME IN THE FUTURE. This unique kind of underestimation helps me stay out of my comfort zone and urges me to keep working on the awesome, unique qualities that I have but others don't. Now, when I see other people who I think are better than me, they just inspire me not to become like them, but to notice some really good qualities in them and then try to rub them off on myself. Rest other qualities, like rich beard and well built muscles aren't needed for a man to be attractive. If he is pure, honest,sincere, dedicated and respectful towards others, these should make others love him. The guy who typed this article is a living example of the previous sentence and he extends his gratitude to all those who have showered their love and support on him. He also thanks his haters(of course he knows that there are a few) for making him realize that he is doing something really good and achieving somewhat reasonable heights. So a key takeaway: Underestimate yourself in such a way that the CURRENT YOU feels mediocre to the FUTURE YOU. Strive every moment to become that FUTURE YOU. Enough of "Gyaan." Good night. 

#3 No one cares??

"Wow. I am so excited. I am about to publish my new song. I personally feel it's so nice. It is sure to garner me some praise. Omg Omg wow!! Can't wait to publish my song. Shoot!!"

 This may be you while uploading a song or trying anything new. More than a half of such enthusiastic folks belong to Category 1, who already build a lot of expectations about the response that they may receive for their work. Only a rare few of them are lucky enough to fetch the same amount of praise that they might have imagined. Others, end up getting a lukewarm response, which in turn leaves them disappointed.
  I have experienced both the shades of this first category. Sometimes, a lot of people have liked and commented on my songs, few times even surpassing the magnitude of reception that I had imagined. However, most of the times, I ended up on the other side: the side of disappointment. There were times when I spent hours on practicing a song and recording it. After doing so, uploading them in a format that suits the audience was another challenge. But to my dismay, all I got was a handful of likes and a couple of comments from the same people who always supported me(I shall forever be grateful to them). So, did I overcome this problem of not being able to gather ample response?
   No, not yet. Even today, I uploaded a song on YouTube, but 5 hours have already passed and I have got only 4 views!! 14 people have subscribed to my YouTube channel, but my video didn't fetch even 14 views!! It took me almost an hour to record, practice and publish this song. So what should I do? Sit in a corner, cry and stop making videos? Haha, NO!
    Let me define Category 2 of people. For these people, the process itself is the outcome. Deep, right? Somewhere, folks belonging to this category know that as they have newly entered this territory of uploading videos, they still have a long way to go. So initially, no matter how good or bad your work is, NO ONE CARES!! You will put the link of your song on WhatsApp status story, but what will people do? They will simply swipe to the next story without giving a damn about your work. This is a bitter reality that "Category-2-people" quickly accept. They know that they only have their process and their commitment which they can take care of. If initially, people don't care about your work, YOU SHOULD NOT CARE ABOUT THEIR RESPONSE. Rather you should keep raising the bar. If you will focus on the process and consistently take pains to make your posts reach a large number of people, the desired response will automatically come. You love your work, right? That's enough for you to keep going! 
   Now in reality, there may be some people who actually care about your work, but at that point they may be unavailable or busy to appreciate it. But accept it: Majority of them belong to your "so called friends" who say "Sure bro, I will definitely listen to your song. You are awesome" but in reality THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT HOW YOUR SONG IS, SO THEY DON'T EVEN MIND NOT LISTENING TO IT.
     I have accepted this reality. I belong to Category 2. I love singing and like a juggernaut, I will keep posting videos. If you listen to my songs, I appreciate it and I am confident that your time won't go waste in doing so. If you don't, it's okay. I don't care if you care or not. I will continue to hustle. If I will take appropriate steps that every successful YouTuber has taken at some point, I will be successful too. As simple as that. Keep hustling!!

P.S. I am going to share the link to this article on my Facebook News Feed as well as my WhatsApp status story. But I know hardly anyone will click on that link and come here. Early days of my work, yo! Not to worry: I DON'T CARE! I love blogging and will keep on posting many articles like this. Ignore them for your good, read them for your better..:)

#2 It takes time..But it Happens.

Wassup guys? Tired? About to sleep after a long day at work? Or even without doing something significantly productive, feeling tired as a result of procrastination? Don't worry. I can relate to it. Because I have been through such a phase, where I never felt the urge to leave the comfort of my bed and do justice to the precious time that was at my hands. As a matter of fact, I had to face some dire consequences because of this sluggish behavior of mine. 

    Without a doubt, my Seventh Semester was the toughest one of all. President of my Toastmasters club, 23 credits and the "Baap" of all: The Placement Season. Adequately balancing my attention and focus towards all three of them was a tough task. Firstly, the Presidential term. Here, I was blessed to head an efficient and a supportive Executive Committee that made my work a lot more easier. But friends, there were some instances, some unforeseen scenarios where I felt like quitting in the midst of my term. Initially, I wasn't very confident as a leader and was confused regarding what to do in order to take the club forward. The result was the club being stagnant in its growth. Fingers were raised on my leadership. I asked myself "How is this club going to grow and flourish?" Just then, a thought struck me: "It will take time..But it will happen." As time passed, I developed the much needed confidence to take firm decisions and make solid amendments for the betterment of the club. I remember a day when our Club Contest couldn't start on time because of an unfavorable scenario. Our faculty coordinator came to resolve the issue but it was too late for the contest to start. I had two choices: Either to conduct the contest, that very day in an uncomfortable venue or to postpone it to a later date. At that moment, I saw 20-30 people staring at me with curiosity, waiting for that ONE DECISION from my side. That's when I realized my power as a leader. With all confidence, I decided to conduct the contest at a later date. My Executive Committee's term ended with a fantastic milestone session with a record attendance of 150+ and some amazing speeches. I was and I am still very proud of my entire team. The club grew and again reached its peak. It took time, but it happened. 
    Now, coming to the placement season. I sat in a total of 40-50 companies before getting a Dream Offer. In July, I couldn't clear a single written test. In August, I cleared the written test for two consultancy companies, but got eliminated in the "Group Discussion Round." In September, I cleared the Written and the G.D. round for 2 companies but got rejected in the Final Interview. Not to count the 30+ companies, where I wasn't even able to clear the written round. I was frustrated. Going to give tests and interviews, wearing formals all the time, but to no avail. My family used to get excited with the news of me reaching the last round of various selection processes, but it all would melt into disappointment when I would get rejected. My parents and siblings always supported me, but somewhere, I knew even they were frustrated. I asked myself, "When will I get placed?" Again, from inside, came a voice: "It will take time..But it will happen." I worked on my weaknesses, modified and restyled my resume as per the company's needs. Finally in the last week of September, I got placed in 2 regular IT companies. A few days before my Term End Exams in November, I got placed in the last Dream Company that came in that semester: Vodafone Shared Services India. It took time, patience and perseverance, but it happened. 
   Finally, handling academics along with Extracurricular stuff and Placement Season was tough. There were times when I had to give Re-Internals because of the clash of dates between my Company's written test and my internals. Plus, towards the end of my semester, my personal life took a toll, when a partner I assumed to stay with forever, abruptly started having issues with me and eventually decided to leave. It was hard to let her go, but then I thought that our company was toxic for one another. Of course, I would have put more efforts than I actually did in order to save our relationship, but I had my Term End Examinations at the same time. With a very heavy heart, I granted her the freedom to take a decision and she decided to leave. I did so for my betterment as well as her betterment. This emotional turmoil impacted my results. I got my first ever backlog in a subject. My family lost faith in me. Undeniably, it was the hardest time of my life. I asked myself, "How will I be able to get through this phase?" A voice came from inside, "It will take time, but it will happen." I started hustling for a better tomorrow. New year 2019 gave me a sense of freshness. Currently, I got an okayish score in GRE with a month of preparation. My Final Year Project is almost complete, leaving me with only the documentation part. I got my failed subject substituted with a fresh, new one in which I am performing well. What about the impact of her absence? Well, it was my family which stood with me in this phase. My parents and my sister continued showering their unconditional love upon me and kept on believing in me, despite all my failures. Instead of shedding tears on losing her, my focus is towards doing something worthy of pride for those who love me unconditionally: My family. Also, I recently won a Speech Contest in Toastmasters. Personally I feel, I am at my best front right now and I am enthusiastic to achieve a lot more in my life. This process of moving on wasn't easy at all. It took time, but it happened. 
    Folks, there will be moments of despair, grief, anxiety and fear. You may lose your interest in your goals and you may end up becoming a depressed procrastinator. But in such moments you may ask yourself, "Will I be able to rise again. Will I script my resurgence?" At such time, just remember: It takes time...but it happens. Get up man!!  

#1 Feelings: Right or Wrong?

Hmm.. Hey guys. Welcome to my blog. This is Utkarsh Shukla, a final year engineering student in VIT Vellore. Much lesser workload in the final semester has provided me the time and liberty to start a blog. First up, let us talk about feelings. What is a feeling? Is that a stream of emotions that flows inside your body upon seeing, smelling or touching something? That's what it is according to me. But are these feelings reliable enough to make a quick decision or judgement? Let's spare a thought about it.

   Whenever we see a stranger, we form a lot of perceptions about that person in our minds? Woah, this person has thick, long beard, going way below his chin. Hmmm..Al-Qaeda? Ewww, this girl smokes and she just told me about her recent hook-up with a guy. Hmmm...I FEEL THAT THIS GIRL IS CARELESS AND SPOILT. SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY OTHER THING TO DO. Well well, maybe in reality that girl, early into her twenties, lives in a PG and has recently joined a start-up that pays her well. She is independent and doesn't have to depend on anyone. Maybe we aren't open-minded enough not to judge her doings, her lifestyle. So here, what one may initially feel about that girl, doesn't necessarily has to be right.
    Or worse.  A girl says, I met my boyfriend today but I cannot see the "Love" for me in his eyes. I could not "Feel" the affection when he held my hands. His hands were cold, as if he were tensed. I couldn't feel that "warmth" of affection in his hands or in his cuddles. Hence, I can make out that he doesn't love me anymore. Hmmm. Maybe a lack of sleep or the weather made his eyes look dried-up. Maybe because of a lot of stress, his hands were cold and pale. Plus how can a normal person, who has not studied Psychology or an advanced form of this art of eye-reading, discern the lack of love in her partner, JUST BY HER FEELINGS??!! This Shakespearean insect in the minds of many enables them to write essays on the eyes of a person. "When I look into your eyes, I can see many worlds at once. I can see all those years of your suffering. I can see that layer of Nutella that you ate yesterday, which has accidentally made its way up right from your stomach to your retina!! I see a banner that reads 'You are the one for me.' In your eyes, I see your desire to put your arms around my waist, take me to the corner and kiss me softly." Ok no more stuff to make you guys horny. That's not my purpose.
   My point is that sometimes, trusting your feelings blindly can actually f**k up your life. They don't have to be right every single time. Of course there have been geniuses, who have always trusted their gut-feeling and achieved great things in life. But most of them have also made some horrible mistakes by trusting nothing else but their gut-feeling. Let us try not to judge any stranger...at least not before striking a conversation with him/her. Let us not quickly form a judgement based on our feeling at that moment. Let us try to view the situation from your partner's side and try to find the real reason of the disparity in his eyes, instead of trusting your feelings(which you may be experiencing in a zone, where your intellect isn't at its best) and striking that person off from your list of loved ones. The ability to make right decisions using merely one's feelings is something that one learns from experience. But even after years of experience, your judgement may still not be 100% accurate! Long story cut short, "Do not blindly rely on your feelings. They may be right. They may be wrong. There's no guarantee!"
NOTE: All that I have written may not make any sense, because I have written this in a slightly sleep-deprived mode at 12:30 AM. This post was just to get a feel how blogging feels like. Thanks for bearing with me. Love you.